Images burned

Why do lost loves haunt our hearts so? The images of our lovers lost loves and even our own. Listening to Dylan......what a poet.

Dashing

Through the snow. It's been quite a day. The baby blue in the sky painted with white morphic clouds has dominated this beautiful winter day. And in the end I find myself alone, in the sunroom, cuddled and wrapped on a blanket. Comforts found in fiber.

Fire

I'm struck by his beauty. Beautiful golden lashes that u cant see how glorious they are until your very close to his face. Those rare mornings where I get to see the sunlight hit his honey colored hairs make me sigh with adoration. He's got a natural beauty Ive never seen before. Everything about him is fire. He is my fire. My warmth and my way. His beautiful flaming beard with those perfect pink lips.....they beg to be quenched. He is preoccupied with being a lumberjack. His obsession to make and create fire seems so fitting. It makes me smile his ambition to build the perfect raging warmth. My fire maker, my love. He warms me and sets me ablaze.

The JOY

The Holidays are coming at rapid speed and I get to go home and see my family :) My loving husband has obtained a ticket for me to fly home and have my annual Holiday fun with my mom, sister and hopefully this year, my aunt sue. We explore little antique shops and have lunch....everything Merry :)I will be home for two weeks! I will of course miss my dear husband and our animals, but it will be nice to spend so much time with Sam. Her babies are not babies anymore yet they still love their Aunt Koe. I want to relish in this before they get too adolescent to give a crap about me. Now they still squeal and run at me with open arms....asking if I brought my phone (I have an Iphone full of game apps that they love). I am thankful at how close I am blessed to be with them. Its been amazing to be able to watch them grow from baby heaven breath to little yeahoos. My nephew especially blows me away since he was the first and I still kinda consider him the baby. He is such a smart little boy and has the sweetest heartbreaking eyes. He blows me away with his affinity for technology and ability to use it, to master it. He got my sister's humor (which she has always been a Ham...Sam the Ham)and is quite funny at times with his wit and observations. Liv is a beauty and I fear for Russ's sanity once she gets big enough for boyfriends. She will be the artsy one. She likes to draw, paint, and create. She loves to sing (beautifully i must add)and it draws a tear to my eye every time. She sang "you are so beautiful" to me the other day, and I tried to hold my self together. It doesn't matter what she sings, it always affects me the same weepy way. I don't listen to mainstream radio hits, but there is a Christina Aguillera song that has a chorus "you are beautiful no matter what they say"....and its one of her favorite songs to sing AND IT KILLS ME WHEN SHE SINGS IT. I do that inner dialog in my head every time she starts it. "Okay Nic, don't well up, its just a song she likes....don't listen to the words.....listen to how sweet and cute she sounds singing it.....gaaaaaaaaaa." Tears begging to be released. Now I get to wallow in their little snotty hands and little cold toes for two weeks and try to get control of my emotions so I'm not a slathering weepy Aunt Koe while I'm there. Note: slathering with complete love and envy.

Twins

I have a Twin Sister. An identical Twin Sister, though we are not that identical. But technically, yes..we are of one egg that split. She is my elder, by 10 minutes. In many ways, she is my mentor. She is a mother of two and a devoted wife for 9 years this year. I have just been married a year and a half and though I would like to have babies, I dont know when that will be. My husband and I are enjoying our freedom. We have just moved out of state and are living on the east coast. Though i miss my twin dearly, it has been a wonderful to see another part of our country. So you see, we are very different in our lifestyles and lives. Our appearances are even quite different. We were blonde babies, ying and yang. With age it has darkened to a mousy brown that I choose to darken where she chooses to lighten. Hair color aside, our facial features are similiar, yet they are very different too. I think I resemble my Father's side and she our mothers. Also she had braces at adolescence and I did not. Our Mother was a single mother and Sam needed them more. So our smile and shape of mouth are completely different. I would be lying if I said it didnt bother me a bit, now in adulthood. I would love to have that perfect beautiful smile. It's an egostical thing, I know. But when you have a twin, people expect you to look like each other. And we do not. It, in fact, saddens me when standing side by side, we are asked, "your not identical, are you?". We are. Im just the curvier snaggly tooth one. Im sure I will write more and more about being a twin and the way it plays upon my mind and actions. This particular writing is just a little background. I love her with all my heart. She is my heart. She is my other half. She is my bestfriend. She is my inspiration. Love u sam.

I'm drawn.....

To finding more depth to my life. I've been really intrigued by Native American culture and the way they spiritually connect with Nature. I have always felt a healing of self when I meditate or even venture alone in nature. Not that I should dismiss having a companion to frolic with! But the sacredness of prayer in that uninterrupted state out in nature is hard to be found. And when it is, it is beautiful. The connection. The sound. The feeling. I've been reading a book over Native American symbols, omens, spirit guides and nature. I've never connected more spiritually than I have in Nature. Growing up in a predominant Christian society it would be considered blasphemy to utter such. But I find it true to my soul. I have many experiences since my moving to the east coast that warrant at least contemplation. Many years ago I was told, and I felt the Owl as my spirit guide, my totem. Not long after moving here, I was walking in the woods, enjoying a beautiful autumn day....when I looked up to see a barn owl right before my eyes!! I gasped and told my husband to look! It was ENORMOUS. The owl flew away, great wings spread... Off into the sky. We continued walking along the woodland path along the Potomac River and I kept looking through the tree tops to catch another glance of what had just shook me. About 8-10 minutes later, I happen to quit watching Sugaree (our lab mix) sniffing in the underbrush and look up. RIGHT ABOVE me was a beautiful white OWL face looking right at me!!!!!!!! I audibly gasped! It was if he flew ahead and waited for me to come along the path!!! I told my husband to look and when he did, the owl flew away again. I knew it had a spiritual message for me. It connected with me. Deliberately. To my dismay, my reading up on my spirit totems has left me a knocked down a notch, for the Owl is seen in most Native Tribes culture as a bad sign and omen. I have felt connected to this bird all my life, I do not fear it. It is apart of me. I have Owl figures all over my house!! But it does raise some hairs on my arms after reading that Owls usually are messengers of death, and if you see an owl on your path in daylight (which IT WAS... being another reason I feel it had a message for me) that it is to quote "Death himself stalking you". I about crapped myself when i read that. I plan on meditating on it in the future and if I ever get to talk to a Tribe Elder I will most certainly be asking his interpretation. I'm sticking to the mind set that he is a powerful wise spirit guide.

A couple weeks after my Owl experience, I found a beautiful painted turtle right by our backyard fence, connecting to our Nature Trail that takes you to the Potomac River. Turtles, I am ecstatic to say, are a good omen :) Sha-whew. The Turtle is a healer and protector. In the words of Bobby Lake-Thom, "It can grant long life, wisdom, and good health." So now I'm totally confused. The Owl is Death, but then I have Turtle telling me i will have a long life. Maybe the Owl was warning me, and then the Turtle was sent to reassure me. I don't know. But it was another sweet spiritual moment for me.

New at this

I've always been a writer. I write stories, journals, poetry, and now I write songs. All of which have always been private. I've been to open mic nights. I've been surrounded by other creative people willing and courageous enough to share. I've always been the quite appreciator. The one too self conscious and insecure to share. Fear of Inadequacy has always paralyzed me. Always creating, never sharing, in awe of those who do both. So I'm going to give it a try. I've been inspired by a friend. I'm using this blog for my creative expression. It may end up that I just ramble...but at least now I can share it. This is a way to get to know me. To know my life. To know my mind.