sensitivies

I got home early today. There is a heat wave blasting in this week and I was excited to be able to sit outside and feel the summer air hang about me. Jeff and I were remarking about how the summer air feels in Virginia. In my opinion it's the perfect balance. Indiana somehow feels more humid that it does here. I like the actual feel of the summer atmosphere, to feel it as if it were arms wrapped around me. The arms of summer. To me it is a sensual air, like a lover picking you up in glee and desire. My mood is always more uplifted in this season. Maybe it's the vibrant colors of life singing opera to our senses to be felt, heard, seen.

I gathered my lunch of leftover chicken and triscuits, picked the perfect spot on our back patio to watch my backyard birds drink from the water station and take a little lunch themselves. And maybe after experiencing the next sequence of events and now reflecting, I can completely not only read but see what a damn dick I was. I sat there smiling with my soul at this glorious feeling of summer, filling my hungry belly with what now seems like a sick twisted since of irony. Watching my bird friends, I became aware that I WAS EATING CHICKEN. RIGHT in their faces. And somehow my guilty soul shouted STOP you monster, and I quickly grabbed my plate and went inside to the cool concealment of the house. I sit here now feeling way too sensitive and silly but none the less had to note....the summer lunch that went fowl.

Renewal

Im trying to focus on getting myself more...well,focused. I'm going through a detox of sorts and trying to manifest into the person I'd like to be. I watched the "Secret" on Netflix the other night and I've consciously been trying to bring goodness to my life. It is kind of crazy but I feel that it's working. Everyday when I my alarm gets off, I lie in bed for about 20 minutes or so just meditate on what I want to bring into my life. I can feel a shift,at least, inward. Jeff and I have been trying to be more active and I've been trying to control my emotional eating. I fought it at first because I definately have fears from my past with people in my life who are totally obsessed with outward appearances and I dont want that again. But there is a healthy balance at focusing on wellness and not going all narcasitic. Jeff tends to be a little compulsive about things, but I'm trying to tell myself that in the life there are a lot worse things he can focus his obsessive energy on. All in all its good for us. So I'm in a Springtime of my life. New green leaves pushing out of the hardened, packed ground. Soon, with the nuturing warmth of sunshine, I will bloom.

Watching the Secret

the law of attraction. this is a powerful. i am going to consciously try to attract the life I want and I believe this will work.

Louey

Remember when
we were little twins
holding each others hand

every day
we had someone to play
and share life's adventure

We've grown up now
but maybe somehow
there will be a time like that again

When you and I
have some time
to hold each others hand

suey lou

Yucky weather and home alone. I'm missing my sister today. Gonna let this inspire me and write a suey lou song. Love u sam. Im stealing your picture :)

burn

Imagine Peggy Lee's Fever swingy motion with this song--heavy bass line thump or Jeffrey put a kinda bluesy western swing

I don't know what to say to ya baby
my words don't come out right
There's something between us
that you
cant deny
We've spoken a thousand conversations
with only our eyes
Things are too complicated to
work out right

But Im blown by your beauty
Your eyes they burn through me
A fire
A fire
You make me alive
Desire
Inspire
me tonight

I want to get to know you baby
I want to be your friend
I wanna know how to get you to
show me that grin.
Things can get f'cked up too soon
when you move to fast
Gotta learn to pace myself
make something that lasts

But Im

Blown by your beauty
Your eyes they burn through me
A fire
A fire
you make me alive
Desire
Inspire
me tonight

As I'm developing in my song writing skills, Ive tried to get away from such personal story telling and going into situational character writing. Some of this song I wrote it seems 5-6 or more years ago and the rest I developed wanting to portray the intense speaking of words two strangers or acquaintances can have with just their eyes if there is a connection. It still needs a little more verse but this is what I have so far. When I wrote it it had more of a 50's swing vibe to it but Jeff composed this great hard almost westernly riff that I adapted the tempo really well to. We recorded it a couple time last year but we haven't gotten back into our little home studio since moving to Virginia.

Keep on

what you left smoldering I turned into flame
you dont have anyone but yourself to blame
I must say, myself,
I can not complain
You gave my soul it's mate by playin your games

So keep on dreamin
Its time to move on now
Keep on.....
Dreamin away
He's mine now
Somehow
You let him slip away
into my arms
everyday

Your head is ringin instead of your phone
Thoughts of your mistakes wont leave you alone
So have another drink
And lay yourself down
Cover your ears
but it wont block out the sound

So keep on dreamin
It's time to move on now
Keep on....
Dreamin away
He's mine now
Somehow
You let him slip away
into my arms
everyday

I wrote this a couple years ago and have been putting it together with my guitar playing. My chord changes are getting better, yet they still are rather slow. But perhaps I will post a video as I progress. I basically strum Em, D, C.

There was a time when I couldnt look at my face

From the troubles that I caused

and the mistakes that I made

Paint a mask, a foreign face

of my souls true taste

I was wrong, baby wrong

I was wrong

Black holds on

Black holds on

Black holds on

(Repeat one more time while strumming Em, then drop down two strings)

Bright white

Try as I might

to free myself

from this place

My gultiness

and the shadows of my disgrace

Purple hues, bleeding bruise

dont vanish

without a trace

We were wrong, baby wrong

we were wrong

Black holds on

Black holds on

Black holds on

silence

I find that I'm drawn to a quiet space. Many days when I am home alone there are often no electronics on. I LOVE music but find that only before my husband gets home do I put on some vinyl or play a disc. I find peace in a silent house. I also like to make my jewelry art and do my creative writing in silence. Silence or outside in nature. I'm not one that listens to music while outside in Nature. I love to listen to the sounds surrounding me, healing me. It centers me.

Take time tonight to find a quiet room and take a couple deep breaths. Focus on your breathing and feel your body relax with every exhale. Try to do this for 5 minutes and I promise you will feel much more at peace.

Glorious Saturday

I love Saturday mornings when I can sleep in with my love. Its beautiful and sunshiney today. We had such a great evening last night. It was Lofty's Company Holdiay party at a divine Vietnamese restrauant called Present in Falls Church. The food was amazing and best of all I got to connect with my new fellow employees. Im trying extremely hard to blast away any anxiety I have about myself and the new job and fill it with light and love. And last night will fuel me. Its time to dream and manifest big. I really want this to be a wonderful place for me to be. I miss my clients/friends in Indiana so much. I really feel like I built friendships and love with them. ITs very hard and scary starting over. Light attracts Light though and Im gonna be blasting it.

glowing beauty

Im watching the snow highlight the trees and dance around them. In this perfect morning sunlight, the snow takes on the illusion of glowing crystals. Millions of shattered quartz, glistening. Radiant and playful. The wind carries the flakes on its breath and sprays all that is around. It comes twirling around our sky lights and windows......making our cats captivated as well as me :)

"Tapped"

Just a quick rant....I am seriously moved by the documentary "Tapped". I urge everyone to take time and watch this. We are all aware of the "oil" crisis and of course the other eminent dangers like global warming. But another crazy crisis is happening. Now. And I was not even aware of it. Nestle and other corporate giants are tapping into local communities wells and water sources and using it for their bottled water. Sometimes leaving these communities in a short term panic for water. I have been mislead by the media and I guess just my own assumption that bottled water is far better than tap water. After watching this documentary, Im going back to tap. Not only will I not support what is being done to these, our, small town communities, but tap water is way more regulated than bottled. PLEASE WATCH THIS DOCUMENTARY. It will open your eyes.

scorpion lesson

Red. and not willing to change. the scorpion parades as an ant until you know what you knew too late. And yet to see a scorpion and know its a scorpion but state and even trick yourself to see an ant and not the poisonous creature you know it to be proves to be deadly. I just read a story about the scorpion that comes to a river it can not cross. Its high water and too strong of tide for him. A frog swims by and the scorpion pleads with him. He ask the frog to please let him ride on his back, to the other side of the river. The frog states he can not, for he knows the scorpion will sting him with his poisonous tail. The scorpion begs and pleads and states that he would never do such a thing. The frog considers this and then finally agrees to help the scorpion cross. Halfway across the river the scorpion strikes the frog and buries his deadly tail into the frogs back. As the frog takes his last breath, he asks the scorpion why he killed him, even though he was trying to help him and now he will surely drown as well. The scorpion's reply as he was sinking under was "It is my nature". I havent got this story out of my head. I replay it and replay it.

dormant

I find myself in the shape of the nautilus, curling and wound around my soul. This year more than most. Im taking this time to reflect, to search, to find more of who I want to become. This dormant time is what ive needed. To dream and to look inward.

Images burned

Why do lost loves haunt our hearts so? The images of our lovers lost loves and even our own. Listening to Dylan......what a poet.

Dashing

Through the snow. It's been quite a day. The baby blue in the sky painted with white morphic clouds has dominated this beautiful winter day. And in the end I find myself alone, in the sunroom, cuddled and wrapped on a blanket. Comforts found in fiber.

Fire

I'm struck by his beauty. Beautiful golden lashes that u cant see how glorious they are until your very close to his face. Those rare mornings where I get to see the sunlight hit his honey colored hairs make me sigh with adoration. He's got a natural beauty Ive never seen before. Everything about him is fire. He is my fire. My warmth and my way. His beautiful flaming beard with those perfect pink lips.....they beg to be quenched. He is preoccupied with being a lumberjack. His obsession to make and create fire seems so fitting. It makes me smile his ambition to build the perfect raging warmth. My fire maker, my love. He warms me and sets me ablaze.

The JOY

The Holidays are coming at rapid speed and I get to go home and see my family :) My loving husband has obtained a ticket for me to fly home and have my annual Holiday fun with my mom, sister and hopefully this year, my aunt sue. We explore little antique shops and have lunch....everything Merry :)I will be home for two weeks! I will of course miss my dear husband and our animals, but it will be nice to spend so much time with Sam. Her babies are not babies anymore yet they still love their Aunt Koe. I want to relish in this before they get too adolescent to give a crap about me. Now they still squeal and run at me with open arms....asking if I brought my phone (I have an Iphone full of game apps that they love). I am thankful at how close I am blessed to be with them. Its been amazing to be able to watch them grow from baby heaven breath to little yeahoos. My nephew especially blows me away since he was the first and I still kinda consider him the baby. He is such a smart little boy and has the sweetest heartbreaking eyes. He blows me away with his affinity for technology and ability to use it, to master it. He got my sister's humor (which she has always been a Ham...Sam the Ham)and is quite funny at times with his wit and observations. Liv is a beauty and I fear for Russ's sanity once she gets big enough for boyfriends. She will be the artsy one. She likes to draw, paint, and create. She loves to sing (beautifully i must add)and it draws a tear to my eye every time. She sang "you are so beautiful" to me the other day, and I tried to hold my self together. It doesn't matter what she sings, it always affects me the same weepy way. I don't listen to mainstream radio hits, but there is a Christina Aguillera song that has a chorus "you are beautiful no matter what they say"....and its one of her favorite songs to sing AND IT KILLS ME WHEN SHE SINGS IT. I do that inner dialog in my head every time she starts it. "Okay Nic, don't well up, its just a song she likes....don't listen to the words.....listen to how sweet and cute she sounds singing it.....gaaaaaaaaaa." Tears begging to be released. Now I get to wallow in their little snotty hands and little cold toes for two weeks and try to get control of my emotions so I'm not a slathering weepy Aunt Koe while I'm there. Note: slathering with complete love and envy.

Twins

I have a Twin Sister. An identical Twin Sister, though we are not that identical. But technically, yes..we are of one egg that split. She is my elder, by 10 minutes. In many ways, she is my mentor. She is a mother of two and a devoted wife for 9 years this year. I have just been married a year and a half and though I would like to have babies, I dont know when that will be. My husband and I are enjoying our freedom. We have just moved out of state and are living on the east coast. Though i miss my twin dearly, it has been a wonderful to see another part of our country. So you see, we are very different in our lifestyles and lives. Our appearances are even quite different. We were blonde babies, ying and yang. With age it has darkened to a mousy brown that I choose to darken where she chooses to lighten. Hair color aside, our facial features are similiar, yet they are very different too. I think I resemble my Father's side and she our mothers. Also she had braces at adolescence and I did not. Our Mother was a single mother and Sam needed them more. So our smile and shape of mouth are completely different. I would be lying if I said it didnt bother me a bit, now in adulthood. I would love to have that perfect beautiful smile. It's an egostical thing, I know. But when you have a twin, people expect you to look like each other. And we do not. It, in fact, saddens me when standing side by side, we are asked, "your not identical, are you?". We are. Im just the curvier snaggly tooth one. Im sure I will write more and more about being a twin and the way it plays upon my mind and actions. This particular writing is just a little background. I love her with all my heart. She is my heart. She is my other half. She is my bestfriend. She is my inspiration. Love u sam.

I'm drawn.....

To finding more depth to my life. I've been really intrigued by Native American culture and the way they spiritually connect with Nature. I have always felt a healing of self when I meditate or even venture alone in nature. Not that I should dismiss having a companion to frolic with! But the sacredness of prayer in that uninterrupted state out in nature is hard to be found. And when it is, it is beautiful. The connection. The sound. The feeling. I've been reading a book over Native American symbols, omens, spirit guides and nature. I've never connected more spiritually than I have in Nature. Growing up in a predominant Christian society it would be considered blasphemy to utter such. But I find it true to my soul. I have many experiences since my moving to the east coast that warrant at least contemplation. Many years ago I was told, and I felt the Owl as my spirit guide, my totem. Not long after moving here, I was walking in the woods, enjoying a beautiful autumn day....when I looked up to see a barn owl right before my eyes!! I gasped and told my husband to look! It was ENORMOUS. The owl flew away, great wings spread... Off into the sky. We continued walking along the woodland path along the Potomac River and I kept looking through the tree tops to catch another glance of what had just shook me. About 8-10 minutes later, I happen to quit watching Sugaree (our lab mix) sniffing in the underbrush and look up. RIGHT ABOVE me was a beautiful white OWL face looking right at me!!!!!!!! I audibly gasped! It was if he flew ahead and waited for me to come along the path!!! I told my husband to look and when he did, the owl flew away again. I knew it had a spiritual message for me. It connected with me. Deliberately. To my dismay, my reading up on my spirit totems has left me a knocked down a notch, for the Owl is seen in most Native Tribes culture as a bad sign and omen. I have felt connected to this bird all my life, I do not fear it. It is apart of me. I have Owl figures all over my house!! But it does raise some hairs on my arms after reading that Owls usually are messengers of death, and if you see an owl on your path in daylight (which IT WAS... being another reason I feel it had a message for me) that it is to quote "Death himself stalking you". I about crapped myself when i read that. I plan on meditating on it in the future and if I ever get to talk to a Tribe Elder I will most certainly be asking his interpretation. I'm sticking to the mind set that he is a powerful wise spirit guide.

A couple weeks after my Owl experience, I found a beautiful painted turtle right by our backyard fence, connecting to our Nature Trail that takes you to the Potomac River. Turtles, I am ecstatic to say, are a good omen :) Sha-whew. The Turtle is a healer and protector. In the words of Bobby Lake-Thom, "It can grant long life, wisdom, and good health." So now I'm totally confused. The Owl is Death, but then I have Turtle telling me i will have a long life. Maybe the Owl was warning me, and then the Turtle was sent to reassure me. I don't know. But it was another sweet spiritual moment for me.